What Love Is
by Josie Gibbons
Summary: Clary reflects on what she feels for Jace, and her attitude to Love over the years. i am most definatly a Jace/Clary shipper... so deal with it. WARNING - suggested more than PG13


Plot bunnies attack again with another lil bit of Jace/Clary fluff (yeah I know its the first one i've posted but I've got others written).

Clary reflects on her fears of love, and what love means to her

DISCLAIMER: I dont own these characters, they belong to cassandra Claire.

WHAT LOVE IS

I don't know why I'd always been afraid of love, but I had. It had always terrified me, the idea of trusting someone that much, of wanting to do anything for someone. And then I found him, and it was better than I could have ever imagined. It was all the good parts what I had heard about being in love, without the bad. I was devoted to his happiness, but it wasn't a bad thing. It was the best thing in the world.

And then, with just one statement, it was taken away from me.

I think, if I'm honest with myself, I had always loved Jace Wayland. Ever since that first day, when I first saw him in the club, there was something that attracted me to him. And I refuse, refuse, to call him anything other than Jace Wayland, because it takes away from the truth, it seems to make the truth less painful. That I can't love him, because he's my brother. I can't want him, because its wrong. But I do, every day. And I hate myself for it. But I don't think I could give it up for the world.

I wish, sometimes, often, that I could just give it all up. That I could stop caring, that I could stop seeing him that way. He's my brother and I know how wrong it is, but I can't help myself. And sometimes, a lot of the time, I wish that I could just see him as a brother, as someone to protect and love and look after in that way. And I try, I try so bad. But how can I really see him like that, when it feels so right to be with him in other ways, when it feels like its the only place I belong.

I think, though I know its wrong, that he's my soul mate, the one I'm supposed to spend my life with. And I know how wrong that is, I know that it shouldn't be like that, that I should be able to just see him as my brother, but I cant. I cant look at him that way when I remember the kiss we shared in the garden, the amount of love and passion I had for him at that moment, and still have now. I cant think of him as just a brother when I remember being with him like that, and when I want it again

***flashback***

_It was dark, but the dark was comfortable. In the garden two figures could be seen, slipping around each other almost as if dancing, afraid to make that first contact. It was strange to watch them, how they seemed only partially aware of their feelings for each other, and yet were still slipping around in this dance of young love, fearing the first touch and what it would mean. Strange, and yet beautiful, that was the only way to describe it, as their hands touched for the first brief second, before drifting apart again as they carried on their dance, always aware and yet pretending not to be. To watch them it could have been an act, a play taking place in the moonlit garden, but to the two purportraitors this was no act, this was reality, unfolding beyond their eyes and fingers, their feet gliding ever silently over the cold stone towards the final moment. Both, it seemed, were aware, but yet not aware, of what was going to happen in due course._

_Silently, as if being drawn in on invisible strands of gossamer, the two figures seemed to draw ever closer to each other, until, finally, they found themselves incased in silvery moonlight, their arms wrapped in a loving embrace, their skin pressed against each other, as if they could never get their fill. _

"_I love you." the female of the two whispered silently to the air around her, and although no words left her mouth, her meaning was read on her companions face._

"_Same." his eyes seemed to say, before his lips met hers in a soft embrace, holding her closer than ever before. Slowly, without any verbal communication between them, the two found themselves sitting on the cold stone floor, still locked together, still holding each other as if their lives depended on it. The moon went behind a cloud, and all was dark except the sounds of the pairs breathing, growing heavier and faster as the night progressed._

***end flashback***

I sighed, and closed my eyes. This was what I wanted more than anything else, that memory, repeated in my mind, was what I lived for, the hope that one day it would repeat itself again, that it would become reality once more. But it was a curse, holding all this in my mind, holding it silent when I couldn't share it with him, for fear of what he would do, for fear of the repercussions of loving your brother. For fear of the comments we would suffer, and for fear of the rift it would create within the institute.

It was strange really, growing up I had been so afraid of love, but now I was more afraid of letting it go, even though it had hurt me so much.

There we go, Clary reflection with a lil bit of fluff written in the middle. I'm not really certain about the ending, but I loved writing the flashback. It was a different style to what I normally write in and it really seemed to work, I loved writing it and how it sounded.

However, the real decisions arent up to me, they're up to you. So... Click the little button and tell me what you think :) it only takes a few seconds.


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